[ The silence says more than enough, and John starts to wonder if he should just say he was joking, that this was just another prank. But that would be the end of that; he wouldn't be able to take something like that back.
That and... that just seems mean.
He still flinches when Dave finally speaks, though, and this sucks. He hates this. He wanted this to feel good and it doesn't. ]
I don't know. Probably since we were younger, but I only really put it together a few months ago. I just...
[ The words are on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill his guts and all his feelings along with them. But he knows what Dave is thinking. He knows very, very well. ]
If you want to move out now, I'd understand. You have to tell Emmy, though. I'm not breaking her heart like that.
[Dave's sort of in his thoughts but trying to stay present and listen. He feels a little like he's playing two roles, where he's Dave and he's being confessed to and the hamster wheel in his head is spinning. He also feels like, as John's best friend, that he wants to kick himself in the solar plexus for not doing everything possible to keep John safe and happy and sheltered from any sort of emotional turmoil.
Actually-- is that a friend feeling-- it feels intense-- but he has to analyse that later because he's screaming back to reality and looking alarmed at John's suggestion.]
Why would I want to move out-- Do you want me to move out? [He blurts it out, then feels like he wants to reel it all back but he can't.]
I mean-- I don't want to stop being friends... At all. The other stuff is like.. I don't know.. It's hard without Karkat. It's been hard.
[And he feels kind of gross invoking his name, like he's trying to flex it even though it's true that it would be so much easier to talk to him. He's mentioned missing him before, but he tries not to marinate too much in it. Usually.]
I mean, if I knew that when you knew that back then it's like, we'd probably definitely be a thing and like married with a hundred kids because I liked you before I even wanted to let myself believe I was kind of incredibly fucking gay. [The tips of his ears are bright red and it's travelling down to make his whole face burn as he regrets every fucking thing he says.]
I thought it was super obvious. That I liked you so much it was cringey.
I don't want you to move out, I just. Thought it might be awkward?
[ Oh god. Oh jeez. This is a hot mess. It was never going to be squeaky clean, but this is so far beyond what he really has the capability of dealing with. He doesn't need Dave to bring up Karkat, because he already knows, and he already feels partially responsible for that to begin with. He doesn't need to hear the platitudes, because they don't mean much. And he definitely doesn't need to hear that they could have had a chance if they'd gotten their heads out of their asses sooner. That just stings. ]
I was kind of stupid as a kid. And we were so busy trying not to be gay, and then we didn't talk for three years and... yeah. [ He shrugs a little. He hasn't felt this small in a long time. ] It's fine, though.
Yeah, we were both dumb. [He laughs lightly but it's not really a happy one.]
I'm still dumb. [And I still like you lingers on his tongue, but it feels like a weapon more than an offering or a confession. It doesn't help John to know that either and he regrets saying anything about how he'd have locked him down like Fort Fucking Knox if they'd ever made it to that stage.
He concedes, sitting back a little on the heels of his hands and tilting his head back. His wings are poking through his shirt now, almost fully formed but extremely fluffy and small like they haven't unfurled properly. When an awkward shiver runs up his spine, it ruffles them and it reminds him that they're cold and he grabs the blanket and throws it over them up to his chest.]
I don't feel awkward about it. [He says, and as if to demonstrate that he bumps John's shoulder again.]
But I don't want to do anything that sucks for you. [Which is such a weak way of saying he doesn't want to hurt John ever.]
Or Emmy, since we know I'm the fun dad. [His fingers just graze over John's hand, but he holds back.]
I think I need to think about it though so can we like... pause this moment in time and just hop back in it when we've sat on it a bit?
[ John opens his mouth, then closes it again. This would be a lot easier if he hated Karkat. But he doesn't and he doesn't want to be a homewrecker.
He's torn between wanting to pull away and wanting to just insert himself into Dave's arms, snuggle up all cozy-like. He decides to just sit there and do nothing, then, because it's about all he can confidently do.
Right. Time to stop being morose about this. He knew this was going to be the outcome, he was sort of prepared for it, it's just the situation threw him off. But like he said, it's fine. He'll be fine. He's always fine. ]
Uh, I don't know, can we? You tell me, you're the Time guy.
[ And just to show there's no hard feelings, he nudges Dave with his elbow. Just a little. ]
[He forces what he hopes is a totally calm and confident tone and lets himself settle into his spot.
It feels... dangerously easy to do something like lean over and kiss John, which leaves a heavy, guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach that he keeps swallowed down.]
If we want to talk about it, we say when. [He pauses, wrinkling his nose.]
No, fuck that. That's the worst voice command anyone ever heard. If we wanna talk about it we say Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Or TCM, as we all know is the commonly used abbreviation for Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
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That and... that just seems mean.
He still flinches when Dave finally speaks, though, and this sucks. He hates this. He wanted this to feel good and it doesn't. ]
I don't know. Probably since we were younger, but I only really put it together a few months ago. I just...
[ The words are on the tip of his tongue, threatening to spill his guts and all his feelings along with them. But he knows what Dave is thinking. He knows very, very well. ]
If you want to move out now, I'd understand. You have to tell Emmy, though. I'm not breaking her heart like that.
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Actually-- is that a friend feeling-- it feels intense-- but he has to analyse that later because he's screaming back to reality and looking alarmed at John's suggestion.]
Why would I want to move out-- Do you want me to move out? [He blurts it out, then feels like he wants to reel it all back but he can't.]
I mean-- I don't want to stop being friends... At all. The other stuff is like.. I don't know.. It's hard without Karkat. It's been hard.
[And he feels kind of gross invoking his name, like he's trying to flex it even though it's true that it would be so much easier to talk to him. He's mentioned missing him before, but he tries not to marinate too much in it. Usually.]
I mean, if I knew that when you knew that back then it's like, we'd probably definitely be a thing and like married with a hundred kids because I liked you before I even wanted to let myself believe I was kind of incredibly fucking gay. [The tips of his ears are bright red and it's travelling down to make his whole face burn as he regrets every fucking thing he says.]
I thought it was super obvious. That I liked you so much it was cringey.
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[ Oh god. Oh jeez. This is a hot mess. It was never going to be squeaky clean, but this is so far beyond what he really has the capability of dealing with. He doesn't need Dave to bring up Karkat, because he already knows, and he already feels partially responsible for that to begin with. He doesn't need to hear the platitudes, because they don't mean much. And he definitely doesn't need to hear that they could have had a chance if they'd gotten their heads out of their asses sooner. That just stings. ]
I was kind of stupid as a kid. And we were so busy trying not to be gay, and then we didn't talk for three years and... yeah. [ He shrugs a little. He hasn't felt this small in a long time. ] It's fine, though.
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I'm still dumb. [And I still like you lingers on his tongue, but it feels like a weapon more than an offering or a confession. It doesn't help John to know that either and he regrets saying anything about how he'd have locked him down like Fort Fucking Knox if they'd ever made it to that stage.
He concedes, sitting back a little on the heels of his hands and tilting his head back. His wings are poking through his shirt now, almost fully formed but extremely fluffy and small like they haven't unfurled properly. When an awkward shiver runs up his spine, it ruffles them and it reminds him that they're cold and he grabs the blanket and throws it over them up to his chest.]
I don't feel awkward about it. [He says, and as if to demonstrate that he bumps John's shoulder again.]
But I don't want to do anything that sucks for you. [Which is such a weak way of saying he doesn't want to hurt John ever.]
Or Emmy, since we know I'm the fun dad. [His fingers just graze over John's hand, but he holds back.]
I think I need to think about it though so can we like... pause this moment in time and just hop back in it when we've sat on it a bit?
no subject
He's torn between wanting to pull away and wanting to just insert himself into Dave's arms, snuggle up all cozy-like. He decides to just sit there and do nothing, then, because it's about all he can confidently do.
Right. Time to stop being morose about this. He knew this was going to be the outcome, he was sort of prepared for it, it's just the situation threw him off. But like he said, it's fine. He'll be fine. He's always fine. ]
Uh, I don't know, can we? You tell me, you're the Time guy.
[ And just to show there's no hard feelings, he nudges Dave with his elbow. Just a little. ]
no subject
[He forces what he hopes is a totally calm and confident tone and lets himself settle into his spot.
It feels... dangerously easy to do something like lean over and kiss John, which leaves a heavy, guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach that he keeps swallowed down.]
If we want to talk about it, we say when. [He pauses, wrinkling his nose.]
No, fuck that. That's the worst voice command anyone ever heard. If we wanna talk about it we say Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Or TCM, as we all know is the commonly used abbreviation for Texas Chainsaw Massacre.